Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dating Tips for the Alpha Female

Welcome to my second installment of Thursday Thoughts.  As several of you may know, I've been single for about five years.  Though I've read a few dating books and dating blogs, attended speed dating events, gone to singles socials and tried the well known online dating websites, I still haven't been able to really click with someone.  After so many unsuccessful dates, there comes a time when you can't keep saying it's always the guy's fault. I never really thought that.  I'm very guarded when it comes to dating for my own personal reasons.  I figured I had to start digging deep to see what I could be doing to turn off potential suitors.  I attended a two hour local dating seminar.  The advice I received was great!  I can't keep all this knowledge to myself.  There could be other fellow Alpha Females out there who could use this information.
First the audience was given a broad definition of an Alpha Female.  She's one who likes to be in control and plan everything.  At times she's high maintenance & expects the guy to act/dress a certain way. She also tends to be non-flexible, very career oriented & very confident. Sound familiar?
The panel said this is not what the majority of the men want out there.  I can clearly remember the gasp coming from the audience, including my mouth.  We professional women found nothing wrong with that description.  How can a man not want to date one of us?  We're strong, confident & intelligent women.  It was at this moment when we were all educated on the 8 Good Dating Behavior tips.
These 8 dating tips make up the acronym S-O-F-T-E-N-U-P.  Be more feminine by softening up.  Guys don't want to date the female version of themselves was the key the panel stressed.
S-Smile.  Even if you're having a bad day.  Show off those pearly whites and new lipstick.
O-Open Arms( no crossed arms, it makes you appear closed off)
F-Forward Leaning (show interest by leaning in/inching closer)
T-Touch appropriately (the hand, the knee..aka flirt a little)
E-Eye contact (no need to stare, a quick glance here and there, bat those lashes)
N-Nodding (it shows you're paying attention)
U-Undivided attention (no distractions, no textings, checking messages, etc.)
P-Positive (do have confidence, but not cockiness & no attitude) 
I also learned during this seminar that lots of women make the mistake of approaching the date like they're HR managers.  Don't interrogate the date.  Don't ask him right off the back, where he works, how big his house is, what kind of car he drives, when do you want to have kids, etc.  Try to dress more lady like and leave the power suits at home/work if you can.  You can always carry the jacket with you and bring a cute flirty top to change into before your date.  Don't wear too much makeup to the point the guy doesn't know what "you" really look like.  Makeup should enhance your natural beauty.   
For those that prefer online dating, a great photo, tagline and bio are your first impressions.  Don't chose a glamor shot or one of you all decked out to the nines.  That was my fault.  This gives off the appearance you're too high maintenance and intimidating.  If you're in a ballgown in a fancy banquet hall, you might automatically turn off a bunch of guys who feel they can't compete with that.  You don't want the guy to say, "She would never want to go out with me the 6th grade teacher.  She's looking for a CFO."  Have a great close up of you, looking natural and having a great time.  If you love sailing, a great shot of you at the helm of the boat would be awesome. For your bio, pick two or three adjectives about yourself and then briefly tell a story using those words. 
We women need to stop being picky.  Every guy is not going to be 6'0", have an MBA, be a world traveler, own a new condo and take home a six digit salary.  Your match might be 5'7", have an associates degree and not own a passport.  This is the guy who more than likely will call when he says he will, treats you like a queen, has set work hours and is happy as long as you're happy.  He's not the Alpha Male: basically the same characteristics as the Alpha Female. 
The final point the panel requested is that we women leave our inner CEO at home.  Lots of us are working and/or have advanced degrees and top leadership positions with our employers.  These strengths play against us in the dating world.  Some of us talk too much about our jobs, career goals, degrees we have, upcoming projects, etc.  Don't do that on a date.  Most men will get intimidated or they think she'll be great to hire, but not to date.  This is why you won't get asked for your number or why they will never ask you out for a second date.
I put the 8 Good Dating Behavior tips to use on a recent date.  So far so good.  We've both agreed to a second date.  I'd love to hear your comments/tips as well.  Happy Dating!!


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